


root canal no jutsu

by silentwalrus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Comedy, Don’t look at me, I DONT EVEN GO HERE, M/M, The Real Reason Kakashi Wears A Mask? It’s To Hide When He’s Wearing A Mouth Guard, You Wear A Goddamn Mouth Guard If You Want To Punch All Day And Still Have Any Teeth, here it is, i just needed one question answered, i wrote some naruto fic in march of last year for a hot minute, morgue file, re; magic ninja dentistry, this went way off the fucking rails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23569831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentwalrus/pseuds/silentwalrus
Summary: This is a morgue file! It is unfinished & discontinued. Contents are fragmented & unedited, but there’s enough here to post - enjoy!Pretty much every dentist in Konoha is a civilian, because there are few enough medinin that most of them are understandably specialized in things like traumatic brain injuries and how to put various brutalized inside bits back in. Moreover, the prevailing ninja attitude towards tooth problems is “get a friend to aim at the afflicted side of the jaw during taijutsu practice” and it’s easy enough to carve your own prosthetic tooth and attach it with chakra that the problem typically never even gets to a medical professional. Infections get burned out by medics if they detect one while you’re in the hospital for something else, but for the rest most shinobi are on their own and happy with it.Not Kakashi. He likes being able to chew without having to use fucking chakra, thanks.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy
Comments: 30
Kudos: 340





	root canal no jutsu

Pretty much every dentist in Konoha is a civilian, because there are few enough medinin that most of them are understandably specialized in things like traumatic brain injuries and how to put various brutalized inside bits back in. Moreover, the prevailing ninja attitude towards tooth problems is “get a friend to aim at the afflicted side of the jaw during taijutsu practice” and it’s easy enough to carve your own prosthetic tooth and attach it with chakra that the problem typically never even gets to a medical professional. Infections get burned out by medics if they detect one while you’re in the hospital for something else, but for the rest most shinobi are on their own and happy with it. 

Not Kakashi. He likes being able to chew without having to use fucking chakra, thanks. He’s got a better situation than most - while it’s standard practice to wear a mouthguard when sparring, most people stop bothering the second they leave the Academy, and while shinobi mouthguards are far less bulky and more flexible than the ones used by civilian boxers, they are definitely not popular. They’re built to allow for giving orders and reports and accommodate things like voice based jutsus, but they’re not invisible and the hamster-cheeked look really doesn’t do much to strike fear into the hearts of enemies. 

One of the many benefits of the mask, however, is that it hides when Kakashi’s got a chunk of safety plastic wedged in his mouth. It’s often. Less now that he’s spending most of his time in the village, but you only need to get hit in the face with a Leaf Hurricane once to learn to treasure and revere your mouth protection. 

And Kakashi may be a heaping trash fire of a human being but he’s a very good ninja, so he trains regularly, gets his monthly antitoxin inoculation boosters like clockwork (mostly because you can buy them at any corner store and inject them yourself, safe for all ages 3+), and practices routine dental care. That last one has more to do with personal standards than combat optimization, Kakashi reflects, but when all’s said and done, being able to bite really fucking hard with every tooth nature saw fit to grant him has tipped the balance in his favor on more than one mission.

Also when he was six Mom described to him the cases of tooth infection and unchecked decay she’d seen in dentist-free villages in  _ excruciating  _ detail and thus scarred him for life. Which was exactly what she was going for, judging by the smile on her face when on his first trip with Dad to buy training equipment he came back with a mouthguard. 

So he goes to the dentist. Discreetly, of course. Kind of silly to lead any potential enemies to a situation where you’ll be stuck in a chair with your mouth open and lots of pointy implements around, and doubly so if those inclined to follow you are your friends. 

Usually Kakashi has no trouble, but now that Tsunade has decided he is to be the sacrificial victim on the altar of her retirement he gets followed by ANBU fucking everywhere. Giving them the slip isn’t impossible, but it does mean he has to put some effort into it. On the whole he isn’t very impressed; they’re not putting the cream of the crop on chump guard duty, obviously, but it’s not inspiring that a couple of clones, some chakra concealment, a costume change and a few switchbacks are all it takes to throw off the ANBU of Konoha. 

Kakashi will have to encourage some remedial training. After all, they’re going to be his ANBU soon. 

He sighs as he mooches into the clinic. Messing with junior operatives is a reliable source of fun, but it loses a little pizzazz when it falls under the heading of troop assessment and combat readiness evaluation. 

The receptionist greets him cheerfully, complimented by a chorus of distant barks and howls, and he signs in under his real name and gets waved to the examination rooms. He wouldn’t usually identify himself on personal business in a civilian environment - shinobi either, really, his legally recorded signature is the henohenomoheji - but he’s been going to Dr. Ha since he was five years old and knocked out seven of his baby teeth while trying to demonstrate to his mom that yes he absolutely could juggle while treewalking. The fact that Dr. Ha is a veterinarian just means she has extra expertise with Kakashi’s specific circumstances. 

“Whaddup, dog boy,” she announces, smacking the door open with her hip and rattling in her usual cart of tricks. “Who’s up against the wall first?” 

Kakashi summons Pakkun, who takes one look around, yelps and tries to disperse. “Nope,” Kakashi says, catching him around the middle and sandwiching him in his shirt. “It’s been more than a year since the last time. And I  _ know  _ nobody’s opened a dental clinic in the Land of Dogs.” 

“This is abuse,” Pakkun grunts, not giving up his struggles. 

“That’s what I said every time you got Bull to sit on me to keep me in the hospital,” Kakashi says. “Somehow it failed to move you.”

“Why, it’s almost like you’re not happy to see me, Pakkun,” Dr. Ha says in wounded tones, spreading a fuzzy bone-printed blanket on the exam table. “Are my tender attentions really so terrible?”

Pakkun goes limp all at once and lets Kakashi put him on the blanket. “Just get this over with,” he mutters, doing a great impression of a mortally wounded soldier laying back to await the final embrace of death. 

“It’s a tooth cleaning, not a colonoscopy,” Kakashi tells him. “You can handle it twice a year.”

“There’ll be a biscuit for you if you’re good,” Dr. Ha says. 

Pakkun, leader of Kakashi’s pack, a respected and battle-hardened summons with children and grandchildren, immediately capitulates to his baser nature and succumbs to open bribery. “I want steak. Rare.” 

“Of course,” Dr. Ha says. “I’m sure Kakashi-kun would never stint when it comes to his pack.”

Kakashi sighs and resigns himself to another horrifying grocery bill. 

Dr. Ha is quick and efficient with Pakkun, running her hands over him in a quick check before breaking out one of her rubbery dog toothbrushes. Kakashi helps her, because Pakkun has decided to feign total lack of muscle control in regards to holding his mouth open. Dr. Ha hardly notices. The civilians of Konoha have damn good vets, because they have plenty of working dogs and none of the fancy Inuzuka clan dog medics. Or dog-tooth-cleaning jutsu. 

They work their way through Kakashi’s pack one at a time. They all register their protests in the usual way, namely whining, kicking, evasive maneuvers and some name calling that is frankly uncalled for. Biscuit tries to make a break for it, diving under Dr. Ha’s arm, but Kakashi catches her midair and squashes her back to the table; thankfully they get to end with Bull, who just sits there and lets Kakashi half-climb into his mouth in order to keep it open for Dr. Ha and her triple-extra-large dog toothbrush. 

Then it’s Kakashi’s turn. He sighs, tugs down his mask so it sits comfortably around his neck and takes his turn in the chair. 

“Oho, someone’s been  _ flossing,”  _ Dr. Ha says, looming over him with her headlamp and little mirrors on sticks, and proceeds to maul his mouth while asking her usual barrage of questions while Kakashi is physically incapable of answering. Somehow she still manages to get intel from him. Yes, he’s still living with Gai. No, he hasn’t found a new place. No, they have enough space, they get along well. She should be teaching advanced courses at T&I. 

  
  
  


, and then the room is full of ANBU, one with a kunai to Dr. Ha’s throat. 

Kakashi has his mask up and is kicking Rooster through the window by the time Cat gets in front of him and somewhat frantically signals the _friendly_ towards Kakashi and the _stand down_ towards the ANBU who’d moved towards Dr. Ha in Rooster’s sudden absence. The Sharingan sees no henge or genjutsu, so Kakashi redirects his stab away from Cat, who kindly 

“Your presence is required by the Hokage, Hatake-san,” Cat says. “Please join us.” 

Cat is not usually part of his ANBU guard, and since Kakashi hasn’t had any return of chakra or memory influx his clone should still be browsing at his favorite bookshop, something he’s been known to do for hours. And Tenzo knows better than to fuck up Kakashi’s personal time, so the latrine must have hit the wind jutsu, whatever it is. 

Still. There is such a thing as courtesy. “You couldn’t have just texted me?” 

Cat swivels his head to look at him. The cat mask is especially good at conveying total incredulity. 

“I text,” Kakashi says, trying not to sound defensive about it. He more than texts. Lee had gotten a snapchat, which meant Gai had gotten a snapchat, which meant Kakashi had an icon of a grinning yellow ghost in a hitai-ate on his phone screen. Gai screencaps every single thing he sends and posts half of them to his ninjagram account “for commemorative purposes”. His account is public. Extremely public. There is not a single person in the village who doesn’t follow it, and that includes the baby accounts run by parents who decided they need to broadcast every single moment of their childrens’ lives to the world. 

“Nobody has your number, Hatake-san,” Cat says, a sprinkle of reproach seasoning his tone. 

Kakashi raises his eyebrows. “If ANBU needs someone to go around  _ giving  _ their phone number to people for them to know it, there’s a more dire need for training than I thought.”

“Konoha has strict data privacy laws, Hatake-san,” Cat says reprovingly, his tone now informing Kakashi that he better not have just implied, in front of a civilian, that ANBU routinely breach those exact laws to obtain information on their own citizens.

“I’m under the level of surveillance that requires a report on how much toilet paper I use when I take a shit,” Kakashi tells him, because in less than six months he’s going to own the dumbest hat on earth and since the world’s clearly gone mad for  _ that  _ to happen he’s going to  _ use it _ . ANBU reforms are going to be the very least of it coming down the pipe. “If you don’t have my phone number it’s because you don’t want my phone number. And frankly, Cat-chan, that hurts my tender inner feelings.” 

Frog shifts uncomfortably and clears his throat. “We apologize, Hatake-san. Please join us so that we do not keep the Hokage waiting.”

Yeah, Kakashi decides, he does want to see Tsunade about this. Whatever this is. “Please forgive our disruption,” he says, and bows to Dr. Ha. Cat bows with him, which means the rest of the squad has to use chakra to speed up their own bows and make it seem simultaneous. At least this bunch is up on their protocol: ANBU bow when the captain bows, and when dealing with civilians protocol is king.

Dr. Ha is not impressed, as befits a woman who deals with toddlers with toothaches and various farmers’ horrible mouth infections on a daily basis. “Yeah, sure. Who do I bill for the window?”

“Rooster-san, please stay behind and arrange for cleanup of the doctor’s office,” Cat says. 

And plant bugs in a newly discovered rendezvous of the future Hokage who we will soon have to chase all over the village, are the unspoken orders any ANBU worth his salt would hear. Kakashi waves Cat off. “I’ll take care of it. My fault for inconveniencing Rooster, after all.” 

“Not at all, Hatake-san,” Rooster wheezes, struggling back in through the smashed window. 

Outside the clinic Kakashi gets walking down the street, making the ANBU squad follow along with him. “Does anyone want to explain why you saw fit to stage a raid on my dentist?” Kakashi says to no one in particular. 

“There will be a briefing at the Hokage’s office, Hatake-san,” Frog says. 

Kakashi’s just about to explain in very small words that either somebody answers him in the next five seconds or they’re all getting introduced to his brand new Foot Up The Ass no jutsu when Cat raises a hand. “This is the real one,” he says. “We can speak freely.” 

“Oh my,” Kakashi says, eye narrowing. Tenzo wouldn’t have used those exact words if he were referring to a clone. “There’s an imposter around?” 

“Several,” Cat says. “The situation is developing.” 

Frog shifts his weight. Cat turns slightly. “You have something to add?” 

“No, Captain. Only that Hatake-san is not typically known to wear - civilian attire.”

Kakashi glances down at his clothes, which are heavy on the yellow and green. The mask he’s wearing was originally a gag gift from Anko, which is why it’s patterned with turtles, and he’s eschewed the hitai-ate for a handkerchief that covers most of his hair. Between the tunic style of his shirt and Gai’s borrowed leggings his silhouette is almost the complete opposite of what it usually is, and the shoes he’s wearing are thoroughly civilian. 

“It’s my day off,” he says mildly. “What’re the imposters wearing?” 

“Not that,” Cat says.

“Hm. Not very good imposters, then.” 

“They were wearing what you left the house in this morning, Hatake-san,” Grasshopper says, outing himself as one of Kakashi’s babysitter squad. 

“Well then,” Kakashi says. “Let’s go see the Hokage.”

Only Cat knows him well enough to be a half-step behind when Kakashi takes off without warning, the rest of the ANBU jerking to catch up as they take to the rooftops. This crop must all be fresh. “It’s so sweet of you to take such an interest in your juniors’ performance,” Kakashi remarks to Cat as they sail over the fruit market. 

, as she is currently receiving -”

_ “Kakashi,”  _ Tsunade says. 

“- the daimyo’s envoy,” Cat says. 

A full diplomatic retinue is in the courtyard, robed and painted and 

, along with Shizune, Sakura and six more ANBU guards. 

“Ah,” Kakashi says. “Yo.” 

“This is my nominated successor,” Tsunade says evilly. “Hatake Kakashi. So nice of you to join us.” 

The envoy is a new one - this particular meet and greet is such a big deal because the main diplomat is replacing the current ambassador - and she is definitely very young under all that face paint. Young but not incompetent, because her expression of slackjawed shock lasts barely a second before she is sweeping into a courtly bow. “Please excuse our imposition, Hatake-sama. We are honored to greet you and present the daimyo’s compliments.” 

“Right,” Kakashi says. He’s pretty sure he can’t chidori his way out of this one. “Likewise.” 

  
  
  


“My understanding was that they would arrive tonight too late for a formal reception,” Kakashi says out of the corner of his mouth.

“Given our sudden increase in Hatake-sans this morning,” Cat whispers back, “for their safety, their travel was expedited.” 

The envoy’s retinue is openly eyeballing him. This is worse than that time he and Gai visited that big city out past the borders of Lightning Country and everybody kept staring at them like that because it turned out the only people there who wore perfectly normal ninja-style outfits were strippers. Kakashi hasn’t worn his mesh capris since. 

  
  


Kakashi sighs. “Somebody go stab the me that’s in the bookshop.” 

They’re all heading across the courtyard to the main tower building when they’re dynamically interrupted. “Kakashi!” Gai booms from somewhere high above, and a second later two very dead bodies thump down to sprawl in front of them. Kakashi has less than a second to see that both dead bodies are him - they are in fact wearing the clothes he left the house in this morning, exact down to the scuff on his left sandal - before Gai’s leg slams down into his crossed forearms. 

Gai’s not holding back even a little. Kakashi’s not wearing any armor and has to surge chakra in his forearms just to keep them from breaking, and he’s only just quick enough to redirect the momentum so that it skids him back instead of hammering him into the ground. Gai doesn’t hesitate for a second, closing in a blink and grabbing him with the kind of grip you only get by doing one thousand individual finger pushups every single day since you were thirteen.

Kakashi doesn’t resist, only tensing enough to not get whiplash when Gai swings him around. He ends up pinned in an execution hold, modified for a taijutsu specialist like Gai - kneeling with his arms twisted up behind his back, Gai’s hand ready to snap his neck with no effort at all. Kakashi used to use this hold all the time back when he was Konoha’s favorite teenage murder machine, though of course his tended to end with a chidori to the base of the skull. Ah, memories. 

“When did I first see your face?” Gai says, right in his ear. 

“Sneeze mission,” Kakashi grunts, and he’s released all at once. “High spirits, Gai?” 

“Only as high as they ever are, dear rival!” Gai says at his usual heraldic volume, half-tossing Kakashi up to spin him, dust him off and set him to his feet like a toddler. Then he frowns. “Are those my leggings?” 

“It’s my day off,” Kakashi repeats. 

“Day off from  _ what,”  _ Sakura mutters behind them. She’s a bad child. 

“Sneeze mission?” Cat murmurs, in a tone that should be punishable when used at superiors. Kakashi is going to have to invite him to spar soon. And tell Gai the ANBU have invited him to lead some advanced taijutsu and conditioning sessions. Tenzo clearly needs more enrichment in his hamster cage - sorry, _tenure -_ as head of ANBU. 

“And who is - this esteemed shinobi?” the envoy says, clearly trying for cheer and friendliness in the face of Konoha’s finest. “Who, ah… verified Hatake-sama’s identity?” 

“Might Gai!” Gai booms. Kakashi tunes out the rest of the introductory speech and eyes the envoy and her escort, who all look suitably impressed by Gai’s presence. Well. Surprised, anyway. 

The envoy sounds genuinely admiring when she greets Gai in return, though, even shooting a small uncertain look at Kakashi as she says something about  _ shinobi on par with the future Hokage,  _ which naturally makes Gai puff up three sizes and has Kakashi resisting the urge to say something childish like  _ hey, who do you think taught him that hold.  _

“Why don’t we take this inside,” comes a familiar dreaded voice. 

Umino smiles sweetly at him. Kakashi tries not to step back towards Gai. After the whole chuunin… everything… he’d run into Umino at a bar, presumably intending to do what Kakashi was there to do and drink until sake seeped out of his shoes. Kakashi, a big believer in hate sex as a professional relationship stabilizer, had bought the guy a drink, went home with him that night and then proceeded to get mauled for seven hours straight. He’d barely made it out the window just before dawn, covered in hickeys and missing his shirt, weapons pouch, face mask and underwear. Gai had laughed himself sick. It definitely wasn’t Kakashi’s worst bedroom excapade - Umino had not at any point  _ actually  _ tried to kill him - but it was one where he  _ really  _ didn’t know what he was getting into and had the unfortunate and permanent side effect of Umino now addressing Kakashi exclusively as Bitch-san. 

Thank god everyone assumes it’s because of the chuunin argument and Kakashi’s dogs and that Gai is the only one who knows what  _ really  _ happened, which is that Umino spent the night rolling Kakashi like a beachball in riptide and laughing about it. 

  
  


“He killed two of you, right away,” TenTen says, somehow sounding vaguely shocky despite having operated alongside Gai on all kinds of ops for years now. 

“What if that wasn’t Gai?” 

You put on one turtle-patterned face mask and everyone forgets you have a fucking Sharingan, Kakashi doesn’t say. “It’s Gai,” he says. “Besides, he gave me plenty of warning.” 

“You knew they weren’t Kakashi?” Shikamaru says, inspecting the corpses with his hands in his pockets. “What was the tell?” 

“And they  _ are  _ wearing his current - outfit.” 

He sometimes wonders if he’d have a slightly different view on the Organization if his mother - who had been his direct commanding officer until he’d gotten himself promoted out of sheer desperation - didn’t refer to ANBU exclusively as “clown school”. 

“And clearly none of them have seen Kakashi without his mask.” 

They all look at Kakashi. Then Shikamaru crouches and pulls down one of the dead Kakashi’s mask. 

They all stare down at the bared face. Then they all look at Kakashi. 

He smiles sunnily at them. “Now you know what I  _ don’t  _ look like.” 

  
  


Among the many advantages of the mask, besides hiding everything from mouth guards to hickeys - and when he hasn’t bothered to shave, when he’s cut himself shaving, and when he’d got that weird mouth rash from eating that one fruit in Lightning country - 

  
  
  
  


“

, which is Gai-speak for  _ I’m going to beat you into a new kind of pavement coating. _

  
  
  
  


“It’s a distraction,” Shikamaru says immediately. “Have us chasing imposters of the Hokage’s nominee while they do something else - it’s just important enough for us to act without being serious enough that we go on lockdown. 

  
  


“One could say I am uniquely positioned to pursue the imposters, due to the Sharingan and the fact that I’m actually me,” Kakashi says desperately. 

“Oh no,” Tsunade says, viperous. “Gai-sensei has proven himself more than capable of identifying the imposters, as have this ANBU team. They will address the threat while Shikamaru secures 

So Kakashi gets locked up in the formal reception room with Tsunade and the envoy, periodically interrupted by Lee or TenTen or an ANBU dumping another dead Kakashi on the balcony right outside. Tsunade’s really hazing the shit out of this new envoy, because there is no other reason to have a steadily growing pile of corpses be their view as they sip orange blossom tea and eat sesame cookies. Kakashi would heartily approve if he wasn’t being used as a hazing implement himself in the most boring way possible. At least Gai gets to be running around outdoors. 

Cat’s probably had the sense to order some of the corpses dropped directly at T&I, at least.  _ Somebody  _ should be figuring out if the fake Kakashis are some kind of apocalyptic new jutsu or evil body clone experiment or what. 

Kakashi sighs. It’s responsible thoughts like these that have cursed him to this path of the Hokage, he thinks. Days like this make him wish he’d taken the final few steps into complete crazypoo and run away to become a missing nin years ago. 

“Isn’t that right, Kakashi?” Tsunade says, cyanide sweet. 

“Of course, Hokage-sama,” Kakashi says, wondering if it’s time to test whether he can put himself in a genjutsu again. 

“Yes,” Tsunade says, narrowing her eyes at him. “It is openly known, indeed, that Kakashi will not be taking a wife.” 

Kakashi nearly sprays tea right through his mask. As it is he just barely gets away with a horrible chesty  _ glck _ sound. His first thought is  _ she knows  _ followed by  _ she can’t know.  _ If Tsunade knows then his mom knows, and Kakashi is still breathing and - he checks quickly - yes, has all of his limbs. 

  
  


He sighs and goes back to grinding a sesame cookie across the fabric of his mask like a cheesegrater, ignoring the diplomats’ horrified glances. If Tsunade can haze the envoy, he can too. 

-o-

He dutifully drags himself to the Hatake compound for dinner, where his father is grilling something out back and has all his ninken out and singing along to the radio, judging by the off-key howling heard from three streets away. The babysitter squad drops further back the closer Kakashi gets and vanishes entirely the second he’s in sight of the gates, because Hatake Asuka, former ANBU Gull, had previously expressed her displeasure at having them anywhere near her home and had a reputation for being creative with her dissatisfaction. If Kakashi gets attacked by Mist assassins or Akatsuki or demons on the walk up the street to the compound he’s on his own. 

They do it even when Mom’s not there - which is often, because between the Inuzuka nose and the stamina she’s out on recon missions all the time. Kakashi dearly hopes it’s just him and Dad tonight, because Dad won’t make fun of him nearly as much for everything that happened today. 

Unfortunately the first thing he sees upon walking in is Rin, peeling potatoes on the front porch with the vegetable scrap bucket between her feet. There’s a good half-inch of stubble on her scalp, which means she’s so fresh off a mission that she hasn’t even changed clothes yet. Kakashi is never gladder to be wearing a mask than when he has to be in close proximity with his fellow ninja who are just  _ brimming  _ with Eau de Weeks Without Shower. 

“Hey there, Bitch-san,” Rin says, throwing her peeling knife at him in greeting. “Pull up a spud.”

Kakashi lets the knife slap into his palm and sighs extensively, slouching over to sit beside her and select a potato. “Yo.”

“Heard you had a fun day today,” Rin says, 

, then adds, “Also, your mom’s home.” 

Kakashi doesn’t waste breath on curses, just leaps up and sprints for the gate. He’s not fast enough, which is exactly as Rin had intended. There’s a brief thunder of paws and then Sho takes Kakashi out at the knees, immediately followed by Yuka slamming them both into the compound wall. Sometimes, Kakashi thinks despairingly as he’s subsumed in licking and fur, it would be kinder if they never let him outrun them at all. It would save him any false hope and effort for the rest of the time.

_ “My dearest son,”  _ Mom says from somewhere above him, in her particular voice that’s nowhere near a yell but still bounces across the courtyard. Then he’s being hauled up out of the ninken sandwich. 

“Yo,” Kakashi grumbles, seconds before he’s mashed into the front of her flak vest. Sho stands to put his paws on Kakashi’s back, which shoves his face in further against the scrolls and clasps and kunai and makes Mom smack a lot of extremely loud kisses on his hair. It does not drown out the sounds of Rin sniggering in the background. 

“And how’s my favorite child doing?” Mom demands, dragging him back by the shoulders only to grab him and swing him around like he’s a four year old. “How is he dooooing? ‘Ow is ee doing?” 

“Praying for death,” Kakashi says to the uncaring sky, limp and speaking with the truth of every fiber of his being. Yuka buffets him heartily with her tail. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“I want grandchildren, Kakashi.”

“You’ve already met Sakura and Naruto,” Kakashi says feebly. 

“They are  _ pink and blond, my son,”  _ Mom says severely, gesturing widely at Dad. “Do you think I married your father for his prowess with a kunai?  _ No.  _ It was because  _ our children would be beautiful.”  _

“Hey,” Dad says, just as feebly as Kakashi. 

“Your face was nine months of my hard work, and you insist on hiding it away,” Mom lectures. “Fine. I accepted it. Your hair is the result of a  _ very frustrating dating process,  _ and you won’t even grow it long. Fine, I understand. It can be a liability in the field. But  _ now  _ you won’t even give me  _ grandchildren?”  _

Rin is fully in hysterics in the corner. “He’s trying to save the village time and money when they whack his face into the mountain,” Tenzo murmurs, ever the supportive junior. 

“Give me another child, Sakumo,” Mom growls. “This one is defective.” 

“Ah…. whatever you say, my dear,” Dad says, coughing slightly. 

“I’m not  _ defective,  _ I’m  _ picky,”  _ Kakashi says, trying for the tactic that’s had the most success in the past. “You don’t want me to have children with just any old person, do you? They have to be compatible.” 

“You’ve been saying that for years,” Mom says grimly. “There is such a thing as being too picky. 

  
  


“If Sakura and Naruto are my grandchildren, then that means I have a grandchild who went  _ missing nin,” _ Mom says. “You want one of my grandchildren to be a  _ terrorist? _ You want me to have  _ terrorist grandchildren?” _

“I didn’t want him to be a terrorist either,” Kakashi protests. What Sasuke had needed was removal from active duty training and a cartload of professional therapy; what he’d got was the Sandaime wanting more than one shinobi with the Sharingan and Naruto. Nobody had been able to get through to him, which is something Kakashi’s going to be doing private penance for for a long time. Mostly for not doing something about Itachi. 

“Why couldn’t you have been a doctor?” 

“Yeah, Kakashi, why couldn’t you have been a doctor?” Rin says, fluttering her lashes at him. “What am I supposed to do with my prospects now?”

_ “You  _ were going to be the doctor,” Kakashi says in sheer self defense. “And your prospects are  _ plenty.”  _

“Tell it to the Sanbi,” Rin says. 

  
  


“I’m going to be the Hokage,” Kakashi protests, a last ditch suicide jutsu. “Isn’t that worth something?”

“Oh? Does the hat come with grandbabies? Does the Administration office assign you a wife?” 

“No self-respecting woman would take Kakashi as a wife,” Rin says. “Even the civilians know he’s a giant slut.”

Dad sighs, shakes his head and goes to the kitchen, some of the dogs getting up to follow him. Unfortunately for everyone, Mom has never been the slightest bit deterred by Kakashi’s promiscuity. “There’s got to be a nice girl in this village who won’t mind dealing with him if it means joining the Hatake and having prizewinning babies,” she says with frightening surety. “She wouldn’t even have to marry him. And you running around like an unfixed dog had  _ better _ mean you can provide her with an adequate performance,” Mom says, rounding on Kakashi. 

, before they can start parading him shirtless through the streets and taking bids like an auction runner. The Inuzuka are no more pedigree obsessed than any other ninja, but they do tend to be coarser about it. 

“You really should settle down before they put the hat on you,” Rin says, watching him. “Your wedding’s already going to be a diplomatic incident just as the named successor. And after that you’re gonna have to deal with wondering if whoever’s with you is there for you or for the hat.” 

  
  
  
  


Might Gai is one of the best undercover specialists in Konoha, because they’ve been dating for the past five years and nobody suspects a thing. It’s his and Kakashi’s masterwork. Kakashi sluts around enough that nobody thinks he’s attached, not even his mother, and  _ nobody  _ thinks Gai can keep  _ any  _ secret, not even  _ his  _ mother. 

  
  


Rin was right. The clock is ticking on the wedding, but they have a plan. Keiko Ikari is coming off maternity leave and back to her job in nine days, and she’s the head clerk at the village records office that handles births, deaths, adoptions, divorces and marriages. Keiko-san has a soft spot for Gai, which means she’s more likely to keep things quiet for a few days if Gai asks her not to go and blab about it to the first person she sees the second they leave her office. Tenzo is going to be Kakashi’s witness, not that he knows it yet; Lee is going to be Gai’s. Lee won’t blab either, because it’s his Dear Honorable Sensei Asking Him To and so on and whatever, and as for Tenzo, Kakashi’s been saving his owed favor from the Chakra Rope Incident for exactly this moment. 

Once they’re married, they can tell their parents. They’ve already decided how. Gai will tell the Hatakes and Kakashi will tell the Maitos. The worst Mai and Dai will do is cry on him and Mom and Dad probably won’t ritually sacrifice Gai next to the koi pond. Probably. He can take them. Outrun them, at least. 

  
  


The truth was that Kakashi had been the one to propose, and he’d been the one to propose because he had realized, as he was soaking Gai’s searingly neon codpiece in the laundry bucket they reserved for anything too vile to inflict on the washer immediately, that he was  _ washing Gai’s codpiece  _ and  _ not feeling every kind of repulsed about it.  _ In fact, he’d realized with curious horror, he was feeling pretty good about it. Fond, even. There he was, doing their laundry, separating colors and whites, adding the special extra strength detergent favored by jounin for its stain and stench removing capabilities, and in the next room over Gai was singing something about iron lotuses and striking raindrops while cooking tonkatsu. There’d be natto on the table. The entire pack was hanging around the place, half because Gai was a sucker for begging and would hand over practically his whole meal without Kakashi to stop him. 

I have to marry him, Kakashi had thought blankly, staring down at his soapy hands and the swirls on the surface of the soaking bucket. The codpiece bobbed and then sank down again like a particularly evil species of jellyfish. It’s going to be marriage. There’s no other choice. There’s literally no other person for whom Kakashi would do - any of this. That he can look upon a piece of armor that’s become essentially sixty percent scrotum sweat and feel anything other than horror and nausea is an omen to seal his fate. 

This was not, Kakashi reflected, how he imagined having a romantic revelation. 

  
  


When they’d first gotten into each other Kakashi had wondered - purely vague, unconcerned speculation - if Gai would start calling him pet names of the deeply florid variety, but while there have certainly been some eyebrow raisers they’ve really only come out, as it were, in the heat of the moment. 

  
  


He’s definitely still Eternal Rival, only these days what they’re mostly rivaling each other for is time in the shower. 

Gai still issues challenges nearly every day, but Kakashi’s not sure they can call that rivalry anymore, even if they do keep score. Religiously. Kakashi has had the lead for the past four months and he’s not gonna let something like being engaged get in the way of proper sportsmanship. 

  
  


-o-

The next day he wheedles himself onto the cleanup team, which is just Gai’s team plus they asked Kiba along. Between him, Akamaru, Kakashi and Pakkun they qualify as a tracker cell and get approved to scout around the village for any traces of yesterday’s perpetrators or any more doppelgangers, mainly by Kakashi taking the wrist of the shinobi on mission desk duty and smilingly pressing it down so the stamp in his hand made contact with the papers in Kakashi’s. 

Kiba they get by Kakashi stopping by and asking Auntie Tsume if he can borrow cousin dearest for the day. 

  
  


Rin, Kakashi and Minato-sensei had closed out the war as a frontline assault team just like they started, only with no embedded medic since Kannabi Bridge. One-man losses weren’t getting replacements due to the war and medics were short for the same reason, but they didn’t need one. Minato-sensei’s speed and Rin’s new iron skin and terrifying chakra reserves compensated for Kakashi adjusting to the Sharingan, and Kakashi was motivated to adjust very, very quickly. Kakashi and Rin made jounin two months after the official end of the war, Kakashi joining ANBU immediately after, and Gai joined him before the summer’s end; Rin toyed with the thought, but between working with Kushina and Minato-sensei’s advice, she stayed on the main jounin roster. 

  
  
  


Kakashi looks it over critically. They really weren’t worried about verisimilitude, though he supposes they wouldn’t be, not if they were releasing a dozen of him to wander around with no particular aim in sight.

Kakashi’s got dog bites from knee to ankle on both calves, courtesy of Pakkun and the pack having to snap him out of flashbacks when he was younger, and he’s survived enough attempts to crush, garrotte and slit his throat that the flesh between chin and clavicles has all sorts of permanent discoloration. 

  
  
  


The second he touches the double a snap of 

, which is worse than when Gai went through a phase of snapping Kakashi’s mask against his face like a rubber band. 

  
  


“There’s a compulsion to talk,” Kakashi says, 

“And it’s using my own chakra to fuel the jutsu. Hm.”

Gai’s chakra-related medical expertise is limited to paralysis points and an enforced sleep jutsu, both of which he used to inflict on Kakashi way too often in their ANBU days. 

  
  


“Why do you wear the mask?” Kiba says in fascinated tones. 

Why  _ doesn’t  _ he wear the mask. “You need to wait, I’m alphabetizing the reasons,” Kakashi says, doing exactly that because he  _ does  _ know how to fight truthteller jutsu. 

“Tell us why you didn’t like the last book of the  _ Love in Tempest  _ series,” Gai says, and Kakashi feels a surge of gratitude even as his open eye blazes with indignation. 

, during which Gai picks him up, hoists him over his shoulder and walks them towards the village center. 

“I love you the most of anyone, I hope you know,” Kakashi tells him seriously. 

“I had my suspicions,” Gai says, hitching him higher. “Lee, will you run ahead and tell Lady Tsunade what’s happening, and that we are on our way?”

  
  
  
  


“I want another dog.” 

“Another one?”

“Yeah. A dalmatian.”

“Is that the one with the spots?”

“Yes. White with black spots. They’re perfect.”

“You say that about every dog.” 

“And?” 

  
  


“I merely do not wish you to say anything you might later regret,” Gai says.

“What, like ‘I respect literally none of you’?” 

“Yes, just like that,” Gai says, and Kakashi has just enough time to recognize the way his grip changes and yelp  _ no wait  _ before Gai launches him into a direct vertical trajectory. Kakashi does a full seven vertical rotations before smacking back down into Gai’s grip. 

“All your manhandling is revenge for all those times I was such a cunt to you as a child, isn’t it,” Kakashi gasps. The downside of Gai lugging him around through so much of his most exhausted moments is that his natural reaction to being thrown while chakra-dead is to go limp and let it happen, which is suboptimal in many ways, not least of which is landing in Gai’s arms feels like hitting a couple of iron bars. 

“Revenge?” Gai says sadly, his face appearing over Kakashi’s upside down. “Do you really think me capable of such moral abasement?” 

“Yes,” Kakashi says, which gets him launched again. 

“You know I respect  _ you, _ right?” 

Gai just sighs like he can’t believe what a fresh disappointment every word out of Kakashi’s mouth is. 

“I suggest you focus on topics that won’t 

“When I’m Hokage,” Kakashi says seriously, “wearing sandals in combat is going to be illegal.”

“Gai-sensei!” says a dread voice. “And Bitch-san, I see. Is he injured again?” 

  
  


“You know why the ANBU death rate is so high? _ Because we don’t get any fucking armor,”  _ Kakashi says vehemently. “We get a  _ vest  _ that leaves our  _ shoulders exposed.  _ And don’t forget the tattoo! The extremely obvious tattoo in an  _ incredibly  _ easily exposed location. If we had any brains we’d put the tattoo on our tongues.” 

“Most people’s tongues are more exposed than their shoulders in daily life, rival,” Gai points out patiently, probably because he’s heard all this before and very deeply does not give a shit. 

“On the underside of the tongue, then. Or the inside of the cheek. Sole of the foot. Inner thigh.  _ Anywhere  _ that doesn’t get exposed  _ any time you take your shirt off.”  _

“Indeed. You should submit your proposal to the Administration. I’m sure they would welcome experienced feedback.” 

“And the  _ technology.  _ Bottom of the barrel, always. You know what they gave us to spy on the Uchihas with?” Kakashi demands. “Those fucking tourist telescopes you put a coin into that are always bolted to the railing at scenic outlooks. I was getting flashbacks every time we stopped to look on our trip.” 

“I am excited to hear that your plans for reform during your tenure are so comprehensive and vigorous,” Gai says, in that deeply earnest way that means he’s A) serious and B) laughing at everyone in the room but C) most specifically at Kakashi. 

Kakashi narrows his eyes. “When I’m Hokage I’m going to ban legwarmers.” 

“Then I’m going to ban face masks,” Gai says, unperturbed. 

“You can’t do that.  _ I’m  _ the one who’s getting saddled with the hat.” 

“I will sneak into the Hokage’s office, write up the legislation in secret, disguise it as a proposal for a new dog park and then have you unwittingly sign it, on all counts committing high treason,” Gai says equably. “You don’t want me to commit treason, do you, rival?” 

“No,” Kakashi says reluctantly. 

“Then you won’t ban legwarmers.” 

“You’ve got to teach me that trick,” Umino says, because he’s still in the fucking room. “Preferably before he gets in the chair and I have to figure out how to make him back down on the fly.” 

“You don’t need the help,” Kakashi says sullenly before immediately resolving to bite his own tongue off. 

“Yeah, but it took  _ me _ four hours and two pairs of handcuffs,” Umino says casually. “Gai-sensei clearly has advanced techniques.”

“There is no shame in using every tool at your disposal to defeat the enemy, Umino-sensei,” Gai says seriously, reaching out and clasping Umino’s forearm with deep and appreciative sincerity. 

  
  
  


“So far he’s only talked about dogs and complained about the ANBU uniform,” TenTen says uncomfortably. 

  
  


“Do you know why Gai wears that suit?” Kakashi asks them. “Do you know? It’s because -” he pauses, then frowns. “It’s because he likes it and it works for him and that’s good. But  _ also. _ Because if he didn’t. If he  _ didn’t. _ You could not handle it.” He points at Shizune, then Shikamaru, then Grasshopper in the corner, all of whom are gaping at him for some reason. Well, Shikamaru and Shizune are gaping; Grasshopper could be sticking his tongue out under there for all he knows.  _ “None _ of you could  _ handle it.” _

  
  


“I’m sorry I called you a mushroom headed string bean moron back when we were eleven. It haunts me sometimes.” 

Sakura raises a hand. “Who wants to take turns giving each other concussions so we incur brain damage and forget everything we just saw here?” 

“You spend way too much time with Naruto,” Shikamaru says, but Kakashi notes he is not outright refusing. 

  
  
  
  
  


“I was at the dentist,” Kakashi says mildly. 

Tsunade glances at the report. “Dr. Ha is a veterinarian.”

Kakashi only barely manages to keep from rolling his eyes. He was supposed to have been home and napping hours ago. Tsunade’s  _ seen  _ him with his mask off. “I go to dentists who don’t panic and waste time asking things like ‘why the fuck do your gums look like that’.” 

“My medics don’t panic,” Tsunade says. 

“The one who treated that stab through my cheek last month tried to tell me I have gingivitis.” 

_ “Do  _ you have gingivitis?” Shizune asks queasily. 

I have an  _ Inuzuka mother  _ is what I have _ ,  _ Kakashi doesn’t say, because while it’s right there in the publicly accessible clan records that doesn’t mean he needs to go around spouting random personal facts after a lifetime of successfully avoiding it. Besides, the black gums had skipped her in order to double down on Kakashi, who has had to explain to multiple medics that no, he’s not poisoned, his tongue just looks like that. 

“Kakashi is very diligent about tooth hygiene,” Gai says seriously. “He does not have gingivitis.” 

“How are we talking about this,” Shikamaru marvels. 

He closes his eye and tries to pretend it’s as good as blacking out instead. 

“I am a  _ little more concerned,”  _ Tsunade says, “with how you didn’t see fit to register this with the Administration office.” 

Kakashi lets one hand waggle in the air, encompassing the entire situation. “Worked pretty well in our favor.” 

“Neither of us is popping out a kid anytime soon. Gai’s seen every secret jutsu I know and then some. 

  
  


“Do you know when I decided to marry you, Rival?” Gai says.

Kakashi thinks of neon codpieces and holds in a wince. “No.” 

“It was a while back. We were both thirteen or so, I think - it was that summer after the Second War. It was raining hard; we were sparring on the mountain. You heard thunder, and called a halt. You said there was a cool thing you wanted to show me.” 

Kakashi blinks at him. “Wasn’t that when I -”

Gai smiles. “Yes. You raised your hand, and the next bolt of lightning struck you, and stayed. I had seen your chidori before, of course, and what you do with the power lines, but this - this was different.”

Kakashi remembers it, the day on the mountain, because it  _ was _ his first chance to show Gai. He’s been getting struck by lightning ever since he was a baby and Dad took him out in his first thunderstorm, and as a kid he used to get yelled at by the police for peeling up insulation on bits of power lines just so he could stick his hand directly into the electrical surge. He still hadn’t learned to conjure lightning dogs from the storm like Dad did for him and Mom, but it was the first time him, Gai and a thunderstorm had all been in the same place, 

“It was almost too bright to look at. But I saw you laugh. You looked like a god.” 

  
  
  


Gai’s power is wholly in unbeautiful moments. He is who he is and he does what he can do not because of clan abilities or famed mentors or special pedigree but because his core is solid fucking steel. He could wear down a mountain with a toothpick. Kakashi is a patchwork of other people, from his carefully selected genes to the fucking eyeball implanted in his skull, but Gai is wholly and untarnishably himself. 

Except for the jumpsuits. But that’s just the Might family uniform, basically. 

  
  


Kakashi gapes at him, indignity mounting. “I can’t match that!”

Gai’s smile turns very slightly smug. “I know.”

“That’s not fair! How come  _ you  _ get the romantic realization moment?” 


End file.
